The requisite list of questions what went sadly unasked and unanswered at Big 12 Media Days.

“Coach Stoops, can you step away from the Dr. Pepper please? Dr. Pepper…is for closers.”

“Mack Brown, you’ve know success at every level of college football, but CAN YOU DANCE?” (Cranks music, storms stage with the following crew of people, midget included.)

“Coach Gundy, does the radio-detonator T. Boone Pickens implanted in your skull explain your violent outbursts? And will my cellphone ringtone set it off BOOOM!!!”

“Coach Hawkins, any advice on how to go about properly benching your own son?”

“Coach Briles, what is your side hustle? Mine’s selling Orleagian snow cones out of a truck on the corner of Ponce and Morleland. Yours?”

“Coach Rhoads, does disappointment taste like Ames, or Dave Wannstedt? Or Dave Wannstedt IN Ames? Explain.”

“Coach Pinkel, acoachwhoseteamcontinuallyfoldsdownthestretchsayswhat?”

“Coach Mangino, do you know any good realtors? Or can you recommend a quality champagne?”

“Coach Leach, I’m taping this. Please start talking.”

“Coach Sherman, I’d…I can’t. I just want to slit my wrists just looking at you.”

“Coach Snyder, thank you for coming. I SAID THANK YOU FOR COMING SIR. I SAID–”

“Coach Pelini, which was harder? Learning to play the organ for Minority Report or scraping Nebraska football off a deserted highway? And can you power clean this for me? (Points to Mangino.)”